Jokes

He was almost sure
A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come from under the bed.
- Is there someone there? - he asked absently1.
- No, professor, - answered the thief.
- That is strange, - muttered the professor. - I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.


The groom 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding2 down Main Street. 
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" 
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels3 in jail until the chief gets back." 
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..." 
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood4 when he gets back." 
"Don't count on it5," answered the fellow in the cell6. "I'm the groom7."

Darling
The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. 
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him. "John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled8, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place9 you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Can you show me something less expensive?
A shoplifter10 was caught red-handed11 trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip12. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

You're next
When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle13, "You're next."
They stopped that kind of thing after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals14.

I never cheated on my wife
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates15.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie... Hell is waiting for you."
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat16 on your wife?" 
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." 
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful17 to your wife I will give you a huge mansion18 and a limo19 for your transportation."
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." 
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." 
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation."
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out20. 
"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" 
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago21, and she was riding a skateboard!"

You!
A very elderly couple22 is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like23 the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. 
But… I must know, did he have a different father?" 
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did." 
The old man is very shaken24, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?... Who was he? Who was the father?" 
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage25 to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You!". 


Примечания
1. absently – рассеянно
2. to speed — мчаться, ехать очень быстро 
3. to cool someone's heels — (досл. охладить кому-то пятки) охладить пыл
4. in a good mood — в хорошем настроении (mood — настроение)
5. don't count on that — не рассчитывайте на это
6. cell — камера 
7. groom — жених
8. scowl — раздраженно приподнять бровь, нахмуриться
9. namby-pamby place – тепленькое местечко (разг.)
10. shoplifter — магазинный вор
11. red-handed — (досл. красноруким) на месте преступления
12. sales slip — квитанция на оплату
13. to cackle – хихикать, посмеиваться
14. funerals – похороны
15. Pearly Gates – жемчужные ворота, райские врата
16. cheat (on sb) – изменять
17. faithful – верный
18. huge mansion – огромный особняк
19. limo – лимузин
20. cry his eyes out – горько рыдать
21. a little while ago – недавно, только что
22. elderly couple – пожилая пара
23. look like – быть похожим (на кого-л.)
24. very shaken – очень потрясен
25. muster the courage – набираться смелости
 

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