Ирландские анекдоты

Самый короткий ирландский анекдот:
Проходит как-то ирландец мимо паба...

Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign1 and gets pulled over2 by an Irish Garda3. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy4 cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense5. 
Irish Garda says," License6 and registration, please." 
London Lawyer says, "What for?" 
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop7 at the Stop sign." 
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down8, and no one was coming." 
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please." 
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" 
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" 
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket9. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair10. Exit your vehicle, sir." 
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton11 and starts beating the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"



At airport
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize12 him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all13, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".


Irish desire
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern14 and a Genie pops out15 of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity16." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains17, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." 
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

My Doctor
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober18."

Irishman & the Devil
Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. 
Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" 
"Well, short of19 selling my soul, yes." 
"How about giving up20 sex for the rest of your life?" 
"Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor21 of his deal spreads though the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" 
"True, enough." 
"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" 
"True again!" 
"And may I have your name, sir?" 
"Certainly. Father22 Mike O'Ryan."

 

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