Анекдоты

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Deathbed
Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound. 
"My darling Becky," he whispered. 
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk." 
But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." 
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." 
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor." 
Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Husband Calling
Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation. 
"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked. 
"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly. 
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?" 
"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

Word Test
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work. 
This is this cat 
This is is cat 
This is how cat 
This is to cat 
This is keep cat 
This is a cat 
This is dumbass cat 
This is busy cat 
This is for cat 
This is forty cat 
This is seconds cat 
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... 
Betcha can't resist passing it on ;)

Duck Hunting
A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up, 
"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"? 
"Yes I do", the redneck replies. 
The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his
finger then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?" 
"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says, 
So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?" 
"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says. 
"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says. 
The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says: 
"Well you tell me buddy!"

Fresh From Jail
While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." 
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".

Примечания:
1. nearby - поблизости
2. frustrated – разбитый, - ая
3. astonishment - удивление
4. microwave – микроволновая печь
5. deathbed – смертное ложе
6. tears - слезы
7. slumber - дремота
8. few - некоторые
9. hunting – охота
10. ranger – рейнджер, смотритель
11. license – лицензия
12. finger - палец
13. redneck – жлоб, жмот
14. drawers - ящики
15. buddy - приятель
16. convict - преступник
17. couple - пара
18. voluptuous – чувственный, сексуальный
19. skimpy - тесный
20. gag – затыкать рот

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